The ones who are so quick to tell you to leave have no clue about the remnants of the person your left with…
Living in constant fear mode, running on empty… Jumping at the sound of a pin dropping.
Oh, and the flash backs.. your having an okay day trying to keep your mind focused, with your friends, for a minute you feel a little safe the BAM out of no where a horrid memory flashes on front of your eyes, your guts churn, you feel sick, you feel that oh so familiar feeling of cold fear once again. You Pat it down and Pat it down if you can, or maybe like me you take an anxiety attack and have to get back to your so called “safe place”. But there is no where you really feel safe.. not at the moment anyway.
If your not dreading bedtime for what nightmares are awaiting to torchere you, it’s the insomnia, sleep is not sleep it’s a war.
No one understands, unless they’ve been through it. I had no idea what I was in for.
I remember watching trainspotting and his parents lock him up for coming off the smack. I could relate. You start getting the nice memories, “he’s just fucked up, maybe if he gets help… “ then you think “NO, you do this every time and it’s all rosy in the garden for a short time, then it just gets worse, more isolation to feed his appetite for control, more parts of your soul chewed up and eaten raw in front of your eyes as you become more dead behind the eyes.
Lucky for me though.. I made it through.. they told my parents, if I stayed I’d be 6ft under.. I actually remember I didn’t value my life - at all in fact.. I was a ghost of myself. But, I cared and loved my son.. if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be writing this now.. that I know for sure.
I battled the cravings to go back.. came off him cold turkey. I was prepared for the tricks my mind would play to go back.
I began to focus on becoming me again, well tbh not quite as she’s long gone. I’m stronger, more resilient and free.
It didn’t take me years to battle through it. I’d say it took me a good 6 months to get through the worst and a year after that till I really really felt better. My mental health was stabilised, I could sleep well, I no longer had bouts of depression, anxiety subsided.
All thanks to my sheer determination that he would not defeat me! Reiki healing, Listening too hypnosis every single night (especially during the bad times) helped me sleep and transform my mindset. EFT - wow, that was mind blowing for me tbh. I only had one session with one of my Reiki teachers, that got rid of most of the ptsd. It was very raw and very powerful.
I have since qualified as a CBT Hypnotherapist, im now a Reiki Master, EFT Master Practitioner, Life Coach & NLP Practitioner.
I help people just like you reading this. I hope it wasn’t too raw for you, it’s exactly how I felt it at the time.
I stay in a different town now, no longer plagued by fear, I’ve learned how to feel good, how to change my thinking, worked on my self esteem, so I never make that same mistake again.
I look back and I don’t regret it. I am no longer filled with hate for him, I feel nothing. If I never met him, I wouldn’t have had my son, I wouldn’t have became the person I am right now.
If you need help with similar to what I’ve been through, get in touch & I can help you, every step of the way. Your far stronger and more capable than you think you are.